Emmett's Guide to Survive High School
by TheBoleynLegacy
Summary: With these tips invented by Emmett you are guaranteed to survive the most agonizing, miserable and painful years of your life, otherwise known as high school. co-author:Pink Vampire Skittle
1. TIP 1

**AN:) what you get when you mix two Twilight crazies and free time? well you get Emmett's Guide to Survive High School! **

**disclaimer:(we do not own Twilight! **

_Emmett's Guide to Survive High School_

OME! (Emmett not Edward!) LUCKY YOU! You have just discover my ultimate super awesomest secretive survival guide to high school (well, not so secretive anymore.)

With these tips invented by yours truly you are guaranteed to survive the most agonizing, miserable and painful years of your life, otherwise known as high school.

You may ask how does the awosemest person in the world (a.k.a. me) would be able to help silly and ordinary mortals such as yourself. Well, these questions are stupid so I won't be answering them. Which brings me to my first tip.

TIP #1: DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

You are prettier if you are not smart! Just look at me; I'm gorgeous! You only need to know the basics such as 2+2:5! If you more of the INCREDIBLE tips, turn the page….NOW!

NO WAIT! NOW!...no wait, wait, wait rightttttt now! No, no, no, no……nah I'm just kidding, you can turn the page whenever you want (cough-now-cough)


	2. HA!

HA!HA! I WON, YOU TURNED THE PAGE!


	3. Tip 2

TIP #2: TESTS

Why waste precious time, studying? When you can just cheat! Here's how:

Girls wear skirts! You can write the answers on your legs. It will not only benefit you, but if you have nice legs (cough-Rosalie-cough) guys will enjoy the view as well. Oh for the record, this tip is for girls ONLY! Guys if you walk into class with a skirt on, you are destined to get some pretty strange looks; just believe me! I swear my relatives won't let me live it down! OH and stay away from my wife!


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**Authors's note:) this chapter is dedicated to the beloved vice-principal of Edinburg North High School! :P**

TIP #3: VICE-PRINCIPALS

We all know how bothersome vice-principals can be when you just wanna relax in your car. But here is the most magnificent solution to our _little _problem. When the principal is walking by, stick your foot out at a very precise moment. (my advise here is that practice makes perfect, try it on random people first before attempting it in your principal!). If you do it well enough your principal will sustain a serious enough injury that will keep him off your tail for weeks. Not only will you a hero for helping him up, you will also be a hero to the student body for getting rid of him. YAY YOU!! –take a bow!-

P.S. IF YOU GET CAUGHT: BLAME IT ON EDWARD OR JASPER! I NEVER SPOKE TO YOU IN MY LIFE! AND BURN THE BOOK!


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CONGRATULATIONS! If you are reading this, then your vice-principal's "accident" was a complete success! Well done!

TIP #4: ESSAYS

Writing essays can be a nightmare when you lack imagination and creativity, don't worry with this tip, your problems are solved!

Sit next to the person you are sure can write a pretty good essay, wait until he/she have written something, when the other students and the teacher aren't looking glance at his/her paper, and then copy his/her idea! Try to finish it before they do and if the teacher suspects something the other guy would get blame for copying because you turned if first!

If you are sure that you will not be able to turn it first here's another idea, give the guy 50 bucks to write your essay! And he refuses threat the guy with telling the teacher that he tried to sell you his essay, and if he still says no, tell the guy that you know where he lives and you will burn his house to ashes! And if that doesn't do it, just steal his paper and start running!


	6. Tip 5

**an:) hi! I know that I haven't update in a while but school is sucking all my free time, I'm sorry, I'll try to update as soon as I can! Enjoy the story!**

Tip # 5: The bus

I, Emmett have come to the conclusion that if I want to write a tip about the bus, the bus I shall ride, so….here I come, I am cinnamon (love the commercial, haven't tried the cereal! Why can't they make cereal that taste like grizzly bear? I would totally buy that cereal! It should look like grizzly bears too…. Uh? Oh , sorry I got carried away!) Let's ride the bus!

**JHJHJHJHJHJH**

_HI! This is Emmett's brother, Edward. Emmett can't write right now because he is in his room, curled into a ball, in a corner muttering something like "no more paper balls" apparently his bus trip wasn't that good (he started a paper ball fight, soon the paper was followed by pencils and pens, the driver received a shot on the head, collapsed on the floor, the bus crashed and staring burning! But no worries, neither the kids, nor the driver suffered physical injuries, but the mental scars may never go away!) So, here is my tip for you: GET A CAR!! Drive yourself or make your parents drive you to school. If the trip on the bus is inevitable take something to make the trip a little less unpleasant like a video game or CD player, and one last thing, if by any chance you see that Emmett is getting on your bus, GET OFF IMEDIATELY! Walking is better than years in therapy._


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STUPID EDWARD! Writing tips on my Emmett's Guide to Survive High School if he wants to write tips, he should get his own guide to survive high school….

_I was trying to help, you know what? Maybe I will._

STOP WRITING ON MY AWESOME GUIDE!

_It's not really that good, your advice is moronic!_

I SAID STOP IT!

I had to leave the room so he could stop stealing the guide, how dare he insult my tips? They are totally awesome!

Tip #6: Teachers

My advice here is to simply be a teacher's pet. Think about it, if the teacher doesn't like you then, he or she can make your life a living hell and you can't do a thing about it (except maybe kill him/her but then you are going to have to get rid of the body and wash the blood and all of those little details, so that option is out!) the best thing to do is to get in the teacher's good side. Being a teacher's pet does have it benefits, for example Edward, that guy gets away with everything and he gets favors from teachers and staff too. Well, dazzling people helps, but not everybody can do it…..and if people make fun of you for being a teacher's pet, the teacher probably doesn't like them so you can use that in your advantage and make the teacher send them to detention. Being the teacher's pet can often give you the opportunity to grade papers you can totally give them a bad grade and make them repeat the class. If by any chance you are already in the teacher's bad side I recommend you to go back and read my tip of vice-principals it works well with teachers too.


	8. Tip 7

**an:) well, i know i haven't updated for a while but i was really busy with school work...but on a brighter note i have only 2 more weeks left of school...YAY... OHHH!! before i forget...if you like this story go and read "Preppy Bella" by the co-author of this fantastic tale...go on read it!! its really good...(Patty you are going to have to pay me for the advertisement!!) J/K!! **

Tip # 7 Homework

One of the things that I hate about school is homework, not only we have to do work in school, but we have work to do at home too. Here is how I do my Math homework:

Step1- I go to Bella's house and bride her with pictures of Edward (without a shirt!) to make her go to La Push.

Step2- write a ransom note to Edward, telling him if he wants to see Bella again he has to do pages 596 and 597 in the math book. (Remember: never sign a ransom note!) leave it where he can find it.

Step 3- hide my thoughts so he doesn't get suspicious. He doesn't have any other option but to do what the note says.

Step 4- When he is finish; call Bella to return home because Edward is waiting.

Step 5- Run away from Edward until he calms down (or is heavily sedated).

History is a completely different thing; I get Jasper to do my History homework for me. Here is how I got him to do my civil war report:

(The following conversation is based on true events and is exactly how it happened.)

Me: Jasper, you fought in the Civil War, right?

Jasper: yes, I was major in the Confederate army.

Me: that's the South, right?

Jasper: what do you need Emmett?

Me: I'm writing a report on the Civil War.

Jasper: I'll help you, but I not going to do it for you!

Me: thank you my dear brother, so why did the north wanted the South's cupcakes?

Jasper: huh?

Me: yeah, you know that the reason for the civil war was because of cupcakes

Jasper: Emmett, that's not true…you can't write that

Me: of course its true! Now, what kind of cupcakes were they?

Jasper: THERE WASN'T ANY CUPCAKES!

Me: banana cupcakes? Chocolate cupcakes? So at the end the South lost their cupcakes, right?

Jasper: no, we didn't lose any cupcakes.

Me: (writing everything down) so the north didn't get any cupcakes?

Jasper: give me the paper Emmett, I'll do it.

Me: Thank you, Jasper

So yeah! you can always trick your siblings to do your homework for you, or you can go the easy way and copy from one of your friends. OH! You can also do what Rosalie does and dazzle a nerd to do your homework, either method, you'll homework will be done and you didn't had to waste any time!


	9. Tip 8

Tip # 8 Food Fights

There is nothing more fun than food fight, so I decided to make lunch fun today and start a food fight, now here is how you start the game:

First, take a piece of food, something messy like a pizza, and throw it across the room then yell "food fight" while picking another piece of food and throwing it to somebody,

Second, when all the people start throwing their food hide under your table, food is going to be thrown everywhere and you don't want to get dirty (especially if your mom is like Esme, believe me she gets irritated (kind of scary!) when I come home dirty!)

Third, when the principal ask for who is responsible, blame someone, anybody……especially if their names are Jasper and Edward. Not only the food fight is fun, but when you get someone else in trouble (especially Edward) it adds a little extra something.


	10. Tip 9

Tip #9 Detention

A perfect plan always has it flaws, because Edward couldn't be a hero and accept the blame, he, Jasper and I are in detention.

Now there is nothing better to do than to pass notes, while waiting for Jasper's response here are some tips: (a copy of our note can be seen in the next page!)

1) Detention can be very boring, try to get detention with your buddies at least you'll be miserable together.

2) make bets with the people in detention, it's an easy way to get money and make new friends.

3)make connections! You are with the next delinquents of the country, they can always get you stuff at a much cheaper price.

4) this is the most important one: SHOW NO FEAR! When entering the room make eye contact with everybody to show them that you are not scare, also if you can, act like a psycho, they will be scared and will leave you alone.

Let me finish this tip, wishing you GOOD LUCK! You'll need it!


	11. Detention's Note

**AN: OME!! this chapter took long to type!! I always wanted to write a note story, but I never thought that it was so difficult...all of you who write stories like this round of applause!! clap, clap, clap!!**

**Key:)**

Emmett

_Edward_

_Jasper_

Detention Note:

Here is a copy of the note Jasper, Edward and I were writing in detention (I wasn't going to let Edward throw it away!!)

HEY JASPER! I'M BORED

Don't talk to me Emmett, this is your fault!

Ohh come on! You were having fun! Admit it, even Edward laughed when Newton got hit with a lunch tray!

I'm not saying it wasn't fun, but why did you have to blame Edward and me?

I wasn't going to be tortured alone!

Mmm, I guess I see your point, doesn't mean that I forgive you but I'm bored too, and there is nothing better to do than talk to you.

Changing the topic, what's up with Edward? He looks uncomfortable! Don't tell me that he can't stand two hours without Bella!

Well, the last part is a little bit true, but that's not why he is like that, can you see the two girls sitting two desks behind him?

Yes, they look scary……why are they all dress in black?

That's beside the point! The thing is that they are radiating a mixture of lust and malice, I don't even want to know what they are thinking!

Do you want me to ask Edward what they are thinking?

HELL YEAH!

Edward, what are those girls thinking?

_Don't even ask, Emmett!_

Ohh come on, we want to know…you know that they are feeling malice and lust and they are giggling and pointing at you!

_Let's just forget about this, bad enough that I have to see what they are thinking!_

Aww ruin my fun Edward, why don't you?

_YOUR FUN?? Because of "your fun" we are stuck here with creepy girls who want to tie me to a post naked, to kiss me and beat me up like if I was some sort of piñata, I've never seen something so horrible in my life, I'll never going to be able to get rid of the mental pictures!_

So that's what they are thinking! 

Mmmm I like piñatas, they are fun! Tell Esme to get me one for my next birthday!

_NO! We are never going to get a piñata!_

Imagine a piñata that looks like Edward!

No, I want a piñata that looks like me!

_STOP TALKING ABOUT PIÑATAS! So there is only five minutes left the second the bell rings we run to the Volvo and we never talk about this ever again!_

Jasper….

I know Emmett; we have to tell Alice and Rosalie

And……

Alice and I will buy the piñata!

EXCELLENT!!

I have to add that Edward wasn't happy about our little joke, but while he was destroying the piñata I managed to save a copy of the note, which I saved in my Guide, just don't tell him!


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**an) ok, i know i haven't updated in a long time... but i have a good excuse!! i swear i do!! stupid AT&T had problems reconecting my internet when i moved i barely got it today!! go kill them not me!! soooo i had time for one tip but there is more from where it came from... i just need to type them yes, i have more than one tip! today or tomorrow!! bye!!**

Tip #10: Taking Notes

Taking notes is another way to waste time, the days that we have to take notes really makes me wish I could sleep. In the time the teacher is giving notes is the perfect opportunity to take a nap, or do the homework you didn't do the day before. It is also a perfect chance to text message your buddies about upcoming events like snowball fights, the teacher is distracted so he won't catch you. If you are one of those individuals who lack cell phones or don't have text here is a tip for you: write notes! Get a pen and paper and write your buddies a letter! It will show how much you cared about them, taking time out of your busy schedule to write them something! How nice!! Also when you are done writing the letter, use the extra paper to challenge your neighbor to a tic-tac-toe match or any paper game, you'll save him/her from boredom. If you worried about missing something just get the notes from someone else, telling him/her that you want to compare notes or you can record the teacher's lecture. By recording the lecture you are not wasting paper thus saving trees, GOOD FOR YOU!!


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**A.N. :) hello!! ok, Friday (July 4) was by birthday, and to celebrate it I'm posting 5 chapters for Emmett's Guide to Survive High School and 3 chapters for Mind Over Matter...I was planning to post chapters for my story Twisted Love but I didn't had time to type them this weekend, but expect them shortly...i was also planning to post these chapters Friday but i didn't had time...but better late than never!! enjoy!!**

**dissclamer:( i do not own this characters...;(**

Tip #11- Auditioning for a school play

The easiest way to get the part you want is to get rid of the competition. If you are the only one to audition you are guarantee to get the part. Some of the ways you can stop people from showing up is to change the date and hour of the auditions with simply adding some unauthorized modifications in the poster. Another way will to cause your competition a little fracture in P.E. class, if the can't walk, they can't do the play! Or you can simply locked them in a broom closet and keep everyone away by saying that an angry ghost lives there and wants to kill everyone. Good luck in your audition or should I say break a leg? (Seriously break the guy's leg!)


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Tip # 12: Nurse's Office

This is a great way to skip class with the teacher's permission, also a great way to practice your acting skills. While walking to your seat tell the teacher you don't feel good, try to look pale and dizzy, he will recommend you to go to the nurse's, kindly refuse saying that you are sure that it will pass. Take your seat and continue to look sick, then in the middle of the teacher's lecture pretend to faint, the teacher will run to you and make someone take you to the nurse's office; there the nurse will tell you to rest and you can spend the rest of the period catching up on your sleep maybe even miss a couple of more periods depending on how good an actor you are.


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Tip #13: Notebooks

Teachers say that notebooks are a good way to keep your notes organize, well I say that a notebook can do much more for you than a simple notes-keeper. Notebooks can be use to express yourself, you can draw your teacher being hit by a piano or being eaten by hungry alligators, user your imagination! You can also use your notebook as a weapon and hit people with it (if you a have a spiral notebook, the spiral side hurts more!) or you can use the paper for paper-balls fights, you can also give people paper cuts. Remember notebooks can be your greatest ally in times of paper wars.


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Tip #14: Bullies

Bullies can be quite a nuisance, that's why it's better to get rid of them (and I don't mean getting rid of them as in killing them, although is a possibility…but then you have to clean the mess up, believe me murder can be quite messy! So I guess that's out.) So one clean way to avoid bullies is to become his pet, they don't harm the kids that are in his group, thus making you safe. Another way is to find protection, make friends with someone who is bigger, scarier, and (if you find one) stupider, he won't let anyone pick on you because you are his friend (or because thanks to you his passing his classes.)


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Tip # 15: Writing/Passing notes

Stupid Teacher! Jasper and I were innocently passing notes, and the nerve of the teacher to ask us for it! It's not our fault that his lessons are so boring! But I didn't gave it to him, you see one way to stop the teacher for getting your letter is to popped into your mouth and swallow the letter. Another way is to pass it inside a book, although try not to do this too many times, because then it will look suspicious. Always be careful when you are writing notes, the trick is to pretend you are writing what is the teacher is saying and always have something written in a piece of paper (pertaining to the lesson) in case the teacher gets curious.


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Tip #16: Lockers

Lockers are very important! Just like your clothes, your locker shows what kind of person you are. For example if you have your locker covered with mirrors (Rosalie) it shows that you are very pretty and enjoy being pretty. If you have civil war books (Jasper) it means that you are a Confederate wacky. If you have clothes and beauty products for Bella (Alice) it means that you enjoy making people suffer by giving them unwanted makeovers. Try to make your locker scream YOU! Decorate it with posters, pictures, something that reflects who you are! And if you happen to decorate it with pictures of you, don't let people tell you that you are narcissistic they are just jealous they can't be as hot, cool, awesome, breathtaking, splendid, amazing, magnificent, and out-of-this-world-gorgeous as me!


	19. Tip 17

**A/N) thank LuvtheCullens77 for the update! sorry i haven't updated for a while, I can explain in one word: School!! (shudders!) Nobody told me that Junior year is the worst year ever!! its the most stresstfull and full of stupid exams and homework!! Grrr!! ohhh well enjoy!!**

**disclaimer) I don't own Emmett or Edward or Jasper or any of the characters that i love and adore!! (**

Tip # 17: Physical Fitness Test

Okay, today's tip has to do with the Presidential Physical Fitness Test.

It is a test that all students are made to endure. Here are some tips for humans (that means you!) to get around the pain:

For those who are physically fit:

SUCK IT UP!! Run the stupid mile and do all the exercises without complaints (I'm talking about Alice and Jasper, SHOW OFF!!)

For all the others:

For those who are not fit, or klutz (cough-Bella-cough) or just don't want to (I'm talking about me! The whole idea it's completely stupid! What's the fun in doing this when I can't show off my amazing strength?) All I have to say is GOOD LUCK!!

Nah! Just kidding!

Bella, (this one is just for you) run with Edward or one of us.

Everyone else try to get a doctor's excuse saying that you are not able to do the things or go the hard route and break your leg! (Any other part of your body works fine too!)

I HAVE A DOCTOR'S EXCUSE! IN YOUR FACE!! (Thank you Carlisle!!)

Now time to go and annoy Edward! And you can help too!! Try it its fun, every time you see a pale, bronze-haired guy start thinking really loud:

"Edward! (That would get his attention!) Who wears short shorts? I wear short shorts!"

OR

"She wore aaannn….itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka-dot bikini. That she wore for the first time today!"


	20. TIP 18

**an:) if the chapter looks a little too criminal justice... my friend and I were in that class when we wrote it!! jaja XD there is no wrong place to think about Twilight!! **

**disclaimer:( we do not own Emmett or any of his super duper family or any character for that matter...**

Tip # 18: Things to do to avoid getting caught (or do when you get caught)

To avoid getting caught the most important thing to do is establish an alibi, no person can be at two places at once, so always have a buddy who will lie for you and say that you were with him/her all the time, or someone you can threaten into saying you were with them.

Have in mind that a cute innocent face can save you (cough-Bella and Alice-cough) from any punishment. If you get caught _don't_ argue with the teacher/principal simply lower your head, put an I'm-sorry-won't-do-it-again look in your face and say that you are super duper sorry. They'll feel bad for you and will let you go.

If that doesn't work say that you know your rights and plead the fifth (no self incrimination) but the first thing you should always do: CALL YOUR LAWYER IMMEDIATELY! He/she can get you out of any situation!

DON'T SIGN ANYTHING!! IT'S A TRAP I TELL YOU!!

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**so... with some a****dvertisements here :) if you like this story you should try The Beginning of Eternity and Preppy Bella by the co-author of these silly tips! Go on read them, they are really good! and Preppy Bella is never-ending funninness (not sure if that is a word, i don't think so but i like it!!) Don't forget to review!! **


	21. TIP 19

**an:)Here is another chapter, enjoy!! (listening to The Maine, OME!! i love them!!! (sorrry i just had to mention them here somehow!! JOHN O. I love you!! you are best!!) I MUST BE DREAMING is the best song ever!!)**

**disclaimer:( i do not own Emmett or Jasper or anyone from Twilight (are you happy? you just made me cry!) ;( **

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Tip #19: Senior Skip Day

Right now I'm stuck behind a rack of clothes in the mall with Jasper, why you might ask? Well, I committed one of the stupidest things you can do in the most important day of your senior year. Here is a list of things you shouldn't do in you senior skip day:

+Do not go to the Mall! If you know that your mom is most likely to spend her day shopping, don't go to a place where you know she most likely find you!

+Do not throw a party! Yes, it may help you look cool to throw a senior day party, but if you get the cops call on you for the loud noises you will be in serious trouble. So, no parties!

+Playing pranks to the underclassmen are fun but it would be pretty stupid to be on school grounds when you're skipping…any day is good to play pranks so wait for the next day when you are present.

+Trashing a grocery store is a good way to spend your senior skip day but again is a stupid idea, yeah! go in a place that has cameras to record you, genius. The point is that nobody knows you are skipping, showing up in cameras doesn't help so don't do anything dumb.

+This is super important! Senior Skip Day is supposed to be a secret known only to seniors!! Don't tell your parents "ohh tomorrow is senior skip day!" because then they'll tell the principal and you would be the idiot that ruin skip day, if that already happen my advice for you is to change your name and move out of the country where no one can find you.

Try to have as much fun as you can, you're only a senior once!! (I'm talking about you; I've been a senior many times). Have a great Senior Skip day! One that you'll remember for the rest of your life.

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**Now, that you are done reading the chappie, i recomend that you go read YOU'RE WHAT? by luvdaCullens77 or go read  
THE BASICS by our group ....The laughs never end!!! **


	22. TIP 20

**an:) wow!! two chapters in a row!! i don't know i just felt like updating the story (actually, i have been really stressed by school that my mom told me to take a break and the only way is to escape reality and go into my imaginary world) by the way i want to thank luvsdacullens77 for her help and all the people that review and read the story!! thank you for taking your time to tell me how much you like the story!! its true reviews make authors happy!!XD**

**disclaimer:( (there goes my happiness) i don't own Emmett or any of the characters that i'm so obsesses with....but i still like pretending that they are real.**

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Tip #20: Stalkers

High School prepares you for the real world (well, that's what the teachers say….personally I think the real world prepares you for the real world, and High School is just legal way to punish you for future criminal acts). Something you'll encounter in the "real world" is stalkers -dun dun dun- and High School gives you a taste of that, right, Bella? By the way, this tip is dedicated to my brother's girlfriend (and the most clumsy girl you'll find in the universe) Bella.

If your stalker happens to be, I don't know let's just say, and I'm throwing out there, a vampire, the first thing you should know is that garlic and crosses don't work, it's just a waste of time and garlic smells awful. The thing you can do is close your window, we are…I mean, vampires are excellent climbers and it would take them no time to enter your room at night to watch you sleep, right Edward? Ohh and pepper spray doesn't work either it just make us angry.

How about is your stalker is a werewolf? Great question Emmett, Thank you Emmett. If your stalker is a werewolf, the best thing to do is get a vampire boyfriend. They are repelled by our awesomeness!!

But you shouldn't worry about stalkers; they are only for pretty people like Rosalie, but in a rare case an ordinary girl like Bella will get one. But I'll humor you so if you have a stalker…

RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE BECAUSE THEY ARE GOING TO EAT YOU AND THEN BURY YOU ALIVE!!! OR DRINK YOUR BLOOD!! OR BEING STUBBORN ABOUT NOT CHANGING YOU!!

Wait…running will do you no good because we are…I mean vampires are faster than clumsy humans so you'll be dead because you got eaten by a crazy person…hahaha!! You got eaten by Edward!! Hahaha…


	23. TIP 21

**an:) apparently Edward showed up to ruin Emmett's fun...boo him!! jajaXD sorry Edward, Emmett was just trying to help!! yep, another update...i'm just bored with nothing else to do, except listen to The Maine because i love them!!!! I MUST BE DREAMING is still the best song ever!!**

**disclaimer:( i don't own either Emmett or Edward or any Twilight character....but i won't let that sadden me, its impossible to be sad while listening to The Maine.  
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_EMMETT!!!_

Yes?

_Care to explain this?_

Ohh, that's my fantastic tip on stalkers!!! Just trying to help Bella out

_Helping her with what exactly?_

Her stalker…you!

_I'm not a stalker!_

Yes you are Mr. Dictionary says so :) Stalker-To follow or observe (a person) persistently, especially out of obsession or derangement. THAT'S YOU!!

(And this is the part where I ran, saving myself and my Guide from destruction.)

Tip #21: Siblings

They can be quite a pain (especially Edward who is so ungrateful, I'm helping Bella out!). Ever heard the saying out of sight out of mind? Well, it applies to siblings too! To get rid of them you can tie them down and hide them in a closet until your parents get home, just don't forget about them because then they'll want to beat you up (I swear Jasper; I didn't mean to forget about you, it was an accident!). Having brothers/sisters can work in your advantage when you get in trouble, just simply blame them and you will magically be safe from punishment…they not so much. They can be fun to! I mean if I didn't have any brothers and sisters, who would I prank? I guess random people but it so much fun playing tricks on them! They can also do your work for you, you just have to learn how to trick them or blackmail them whatever works best. Yep, I guess life would be pretty dull without them.


	24. TIP 22

**an:) I'M BACK!! yay!!! jajajaXD well, i really never left but school was killing me (still is) but idk i just needed a break and what better way than to get into Emmett's head (although sometimes i don't want to be there -shivers-) jajajaXD don't worry Emmett i won't tell anyone your secrets!!! jajajaXD **

**disclaimer:( i dont own Emmett or any Twilight character....but a girl can dream!! XD**

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Tip #22- Assigned Reading.

I swear when the schools assign books to read they pick from the "Don't Read It Will Kill You from Boredom" list. With some many great and not boring books out there they have to pick the ones that no one buys because they want to live!! The safest way to avoid this is to not take the class (duh!) but if you are already stuck then the best thing you can do is to not read the book (unless you are suicidal). Look for the spark notes of the book, some are chapter by chapter and it would help you a lot and the best thing is that it won't be necessary for you to read the book. You can always ask your friends for the summary of the books but have in mind that they won't give you as many details and it become obvious you didn't read. You can also steal the test before is given and look for the answers online!!! But be very careful not to get caught or you'll be in big trouble!


	25. TIP 23

_**an:) here is another tip!! yay!! nothing to say except that only 12 more days till i see THE MAINE!!! an effing dream come true!!! yay i'm gonna go see John Oh!! YAY ME!!! thanks LuvdaCullens77 for the help....and this tip is dedicated to **xosinxdancexactxo **(hope i spell your name right)because she wanted a tip to survive gym...hopes this helps or at least makes you laugh for a while. If you need a tip to survive a class or something related to high school just comment and Emmett will be happy to help! (whether he wants to or not).**_

_**disclaimer:( wedon'townEmmettoranythingrelatedtoTwilight. there i said it!!!! jajaja XD**_

**

* * *

  
**

Tip # 23- Gym

**It's horrible and humiliating! It should be illegal!**

Silly Bella, Trix are for kids. Today I'm babysitting (or should I say humansitting?) my brother's girlfriend (refer to tip #20) Bella. She is really clumsy and of course she is a danger to society when she is playing sports.

There is a lot of ways to get out of gym:) for example you can steal a pack of passes and very carefully use them to skip class.

**You can also make your vampire boyfriend dazzle the secretary to let you go home.**

Not everyone has vampire boyfriends, Bella….and and we are not vampires we are humans…we are just better looking, and we can't sleep and we run really fast but we are humans….

Where was I? ohh yes, skipping gym. You can also fake an illness, fake a sprained ankle or get suspension. –hint hint- it keeps you school grounds for a couple of days. And trust me, IT ROCKS!!

-Happy Dance-

_**(an:) just imagine Emmett doing the cabbage patch dance...i don't know what it is but Patty told me to put it.**_)  



	26. TIP 24

**an:) just finished taking those stupid tests!!! man, they are annoying!!! a whole week of exams!!! on the brightest side I'M GONNA GO SEE THE MAINE IN 12 DAYS!! yay!!! can't wait!!!! thanks to LuvdaCullens77 for the tip!!!! ;P  
**

**disclaimer:) i do not own Twilight or Emmett but I'm gonna go see The Maine!!!!  
**

Tip #24- Standardized Test.

GROSS!! NASTY!! EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

These tests are the foulest test in the history of forever….and I should know. I mean humans….I mean people, are lucky, because they can fall asleep. What do I do? I stare at the ceiling and count the speck on the ceiling. FYI there is 2.6 million up there!! That's crazy right? Who the hell puts that many specks up there? Whoa…getting off topic.

FOR THE TESTS THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS "B" or the longest one.

The one good thing is that funny people (like Bella) sleep talk; making for a very entertained Emmett (talking in third person annoys Carlisle which is funny) I mean the things she says! Shame on you, Edward!

If you want to wake her up just scream at the top of your lungs "Oh My God! ITS VICTORIA!!!" I've never seen someone jump so high! Especially someone so clumsy, which just makes it funnier.

Just don't let Edward catch you because he's usually very very mad. I don't know why. That's just him…he is such a prude, doesn't know how to have fun.

OH NO!! here comes Edward!!! Laterz!!

P.S. if there is no next tip, Edward has cut me up in little pieces and spread my ashes in the backyard!! AVENGE ME!!! Please…..


	27. TIP 25

**_an:) helloooooooooo!! yay! here is another tip!! looks like Emmett is faster than Edward or at least he could survive the attack!! XD soooo because i haven't updated in a while, i haven't mentioned that I MET THE MAINE!!! OME!! they are awesomeeeeeeeeeee!!!! i got to meet John Oh!! he is soooooo dreamy!!! and adorable!!! i talked to him like for 10 minutes and i asked him "are you a vampire? cuz u dazzle me!" and he laughed and gave me a high five!! adorable i tell you!!! ohhh sorry, going off topic! _**

_**the story is dedicated to: **Hannahcopter **because she asked for this tip! also a big Emmett hug to** Lives in Dreams** mission accomplished! you filled my inbox with all your comments!! (like 20 comments) thank you! and as a reward i'll give Emmett your name so he can find you! (that's a good thing, right?) XD**_

**_disclaimer:) me: Emmett!! come here and say i don't own you...or your family! but can i borrow Jasper for five minutes? i'll promise to return him....someday._**

**_Emmett: -sigh- why am i doing this again?_**

**_me: cuz you are awesome? -innocent smile-_**

**_Emmett: She doesn't own me or my family...and Alice said you can't borrow Jasper, but i'll give you the keys to Edward's Volvo..._**

**_me: good enough!!_**

* * *

Tip # 25- Fashion/Clothes (and how to avoid a pixie's unwanted makeover)

In high school the first thing that everyone notices is your clothes and how good your sense of fashion is. The best thing to do to avoid this is disappoint them at the beginning. The first day of school go like a total hobo, that way they will leave you alone and won't bother you with the latest fashions and trends because they don't expect you to follow them. Now you are free to dress however you want for the rest of the year!

UNLESS:

Your best friend is determined to give you unwanted makeovers and dress you up like if you are a life-size Barbie doll. (Are you paying attention Bella?)

IN THAT CASE:

There is nothing you can do! She is stronger than you and the fact that she doesn't sleep helps her raid your closet at night while you are sleeping, and throw away the clothes she doesn't like and not even your prude boyfriend can do anything to stop her because she is known to outsmart him! So boo you! Learn to live with the nuisance, or nag your boyfriend to change you, so at least you'll have a decent chance to fight her off (but it's most likely that she'll win…well, at least you tried!)


	28. TIP 26

**_an:) another update!! yay! IMPORTANT PLEASE READ:) i'm looking for a beta reader! so if you know one or if you are one please send me a message...i'm in desperate need of one!! i had one but i kinda lost contact with her....soooo yep, i need another one! please and thank you! ;) _**

_**tip dedicated to **_brattyteenagewerewolf **_ because she asked for it!! hope this helps!!! _**

**_disclaimer:) patty: EMMETT!!!_**

**_me: Patty no!! i need him to say the disclaimer!! dammitt don't run after him with a rope!!_**

**_Emmett: -runs away-_**

**_me: NO! Patty, don't run after Emmett! Grrr!! i don't own Twilight or the characters! Patty, don't tie Emmett!! -runs after Patty and Emmett- wait!! did you at least brought enough rope to get Jasper too?? WAIT FOR ME!! _**

* * *

Tip # 26: Secondary Language

Speaking a second language is easy (or you can pretend to speak another language). Now if you want to avoid the class all you have to do is invent your own language! Go into the classroom and look into your teacher's eyes (this shows confidence) and in all seriousness start speaking gibberish. When the teacher asks you, say that you are the heir to the throne of your homeland and you are practicing your native tongue, when she looks at you all weird and asks you where this so called land is, simply tell her that the location is top secret but when you are crown you will never forget what a wonderful teacher she was! (this is the part where she smiles at the compliment). She'll leave you alone for the rest of the year! You just accomplished avoiding the boring class!


	29. TIP 27

**_an:) yep, you are not dreaming! its another update!! yay!! also, please i really do need a beta reader!! so please if you know one or are one! please and thank you! _**

**_tip dedicated to:) _**Homicidal Potatoes **_because she asked Emmett for help!!_**

**_disclaimer:) me: you know the drill Emmett_**

**_Emmett: You don't own anything related to me or my family or Twilight!_**

**_me: yep yep!! now, can i to to Alice's closet?_**

**_Emmett: ok...just don't wreck anything_**

**_me: i'm not making any promises!! XD_**

* * *

Tip #27: History Class

I'm sooooooooooo lucky to have Jasper as a brother when History class comes around, so haha!! In your face for not having a Confederate soldier as a brother! Boo you!

To not fall asleep during History class, just use the buddy system: every time you are falling sleep, your friend throws an object (pencil, book, binder…) at you so you can wake up.

You can also buy glasses and paint little eyes on them so you can sleep and everybody will think you are awake….also try to move your pencil and pretend you are taking notes so you don't look suspicious.


	30. TIP 28

**an:) here is another tip!! a billion thanks to my new beta: pixidancer22! you are awesome!! thanks!!**

**tip dedicated to: **rosebed17** which needs Emmett's help!! **

**disclaimer: me: ohhh Emmett!!**

**Emmett: you don't own me or any of my family or anything Twilight related.**

**me: no, i mean yes...but i need you to do something else. Take **EmmettIsMyTeddybear** to buildabear.**

**Emmett: why should i do that?**

**me: cuz i have Edward's Volvo and he thinks that you have it...so if anything happens to the car you would be responsible for my irresponsability, get it?**

**Emmett: -to **EmmettIsMyTeddybear**- enjoy your ride!**

**

* * *

**

Tip #28: Woodshop

Ever thought that woodshop was only for the people destined to become carpenters? Ever thought it was too much work? Fear not because there is an easy way to get a good grade in this class without doing any work! You can buy the project, (preferably online,) and be done with it! (Voila!) Just don't forget to take out any commercial marks and tags the product may have. If the teacher asks you how you did it, just Google the instructions and memorize them. If he, or she, tells you that he saw the same thing at the store, pretend to get mad and start yelling how the company stole your design and falsely threat to sue…just don't overact, keep the drama as simple and realistic as you can. See, woodshop can be a no pain, but plenty of gain class, and maybe make a quick buck by selling your "original" designs.


	31. TIP 29

**an:) hello!! a second update!! thanks for all the reviews and suggestions! once again a huge thanks to my beta!! **

**disclaimer: me: Emmett!!! **

**Emmett: you don't own anything related to Twilight...why do i keep doing this?**

**me: because if you dont i'm gonna publish all your secrets and embarrasing stuff on the internet...either that or cuz you love me, i like to think is the second reason!! it better be the second reason, or else.**

**DUN DUN DUN!!**

* * *

Tip #29: Cheaters

Cheaters can be very annoying! _Especially_ if they copy from you all the time without your permission. I had this little problem and I wrote this girl a letter, (see below). One thing you can do is give them the wrong answers or kick them everytime they get an answer from you. You can also humiliate them publicly in front of the teacher by yelling:"I'M BEING WATCHED! Oh no it's just you trying to get my answers…never mind". The teacher will come over, address the problem, and you will have successfully gotten rid of your copy cat! Another way to protect your answers is to get one of those things the hospitals use to separate the patients sharing a room and cover your desk with it. If you are a poor student, nobody will want to copy from you so you would be safe.

(As promised, a copy of the letter I wrote)

_Dear Girl Sitting in Front Of Me with a Mirror:_

_I'm just going to tell you two things: first, stop cheating off of me! Use your only brain cell to do the exam, or alternate the person you are coping off! IT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ME!! So, stop it! It's frustrating and annoying! Second, use better methods of cheating. The mirror trick is so old school and is so obvious. (And you are not pretty enough to be shallow, only Rosalie can pull that off, so put the mirror away…you are just embarrassing yourself!!!) If you can't use your only brain cell to study, at least use it to think of better ways to cheat. Now, because I'm so awesome, I'm gonna give you some tips. (I'm such a giver…you may start praising me and muttering about how cool I am.) Wear long sleeves and write the answers on your arm, this is more your style, you know, classic; or have a copy of your notes with a big font, sit close to the door and have a friend pass every so often and show the notes through the door's window. Now, if the door doesn't have a window, have the same friend distract the teacher by making a big scene outside the classroom that makes the teacher leave the room and glance at the notes that you have cleverly hidden under the desk. Now you have several more clever ideas of how to cheat and you can stop looking at my answers with that cheap and ugly mirror! P.S. my brother told me to tell you that not even in your dreams those little fantasies are gonna' happen! (Dreaming of Edward…ewww!! You have weird taste in men…in more ways than one) Ohh and Jasper said that he knows what you are feeling and to please stop it, again never going to happen. (Poor you). _

_Hope you stop cheating off of me, _

_The king of everything cool :) me! _


	32. TIP 30

**_an:) hello!!!! another update...sorry it took soooo long. Well, as you may have noticed i changed my pen name, yep yep...some idiot hacked into my account and did i don't know what! i was so mad, i actually just wanted to delete everything! account and stories! it was such an effing invasion of privacy!! but my sweet sister, slapped me and told me to stop being such a drama queen, and just to change the pen name and password. what a sweet sweet sister i have XP sooo enjoy da tip :P_**

**_tip dedicated to _**ZareenBlack **_because she needs help with her science classes (i combined chemistry and physics into one tip for science class)_**

**_disclaimer:_**

**_-me and Emmett playing cards...Patty is hidding behind Emmett-_**

**_me: i win again!! yay! now say the disclaimer Emmett, while i collect my prize._**

**_Emmett: you don't own me or my family or anything related to Twilight...somehow i feel like you are cheating._**

**_me: -glances at Patty, who is been telling me Emmett's cards- i'm offended! i would never!! now, so far i got all of the diaries of Edward, some of Alice's shoes, Rosalie's accesories and some books of Jasper...and i will give you a chance to win all back if you bet your jeep._**

**_Emmett: ok...here are the keys._**

**_-10 minutes later-_**

**_me: yay!! i got Emmett's jeep!! _**

* * *

Tip # 30: Science Class.

This is the class where your chances in meeting a vampire increases (some vampires for some real reason like science…I say some because most of us—I mean them, are normal fun-loving creatures).

In this class, it's not necessary to pay attention…unless you need to pay attention…then PAY ATTENTION! You don't want to fail and then have to take it again. One time is enough torture. (Why do we say "pay attention"? do we actually "pay" for attention? Hmmm maybe only ugly people have to pay for people's attention…in that case my teachers owe me a lot of money! Hmmm, I better go charge them. Fair warning though, my attention is expensive so I hope they have savings somewhere!)

Just remember that science teachers are adult versions of science nerds. Try to find out what they like, do some research on it, then talk to your teacher about it and he/she will like you and most likely they won't fail you, right? Once you are the teacher's pet, (again, this is not a bad thing. Refer to tip #6,) you don't have to do any work in that class and you have found a class to skip your other unbearable periods.


	33. TIP 31

**an:) hi!! nothing to say except 14 days till i see The Morning Light!! and Every Avenue!! yay!!!  
A million thanks to Pink Vampire Skittle (you know her as the amazing author of Preppy Bella) for helping me with this tip! i know this is your area of expertise :)**

**disclaimer:)  
me: 16 more days till the Harry Potter movie!!  
Emmett: Harry Potter movie? are you cheating on Twilight?  
me: noooooo  
Emmett: yes you are!!  
me: FINE! i am!! soooo?  
Emmett: -gasp- you..you...you not owner of Twilight or anything related to it!! :P  
me: HOW DARE YOU!?!?! well, its true but still....HOW RUDE!!  
Emmett: haha!  
**

* * *

Tip #31: Cell phones.

A cell phone is something you can't possibly live without! No high school experience is complete until you have been caught texting in class, or have a text convo in class without getting caught.

Texting in class is tricky because some teachers don't let you, so you have to do it without them knowing (duh!). It's like they are not aware of our need for a distraction during their dull lectures. Here is how:

+Always have your phone on silent never, vibrate! Vibrate makes too much noise.

+Hide your phone under your leg, or between your thighs. Your teachers won't ask you what your hand is doing down there because it would be awkward, and they can't search you there…if they do, _I smell a lawsuit! _

+If you have a sweater or long sleeved shirt, hide it inside the sleeves.

Also, get a cool phone! In high school, they won't only judge your clothes and friends, but your phone too! So get a cool one! Ohh, and don't take ages answering a text, if you know you take long, I suggest you get a phone with a keyboard or practice texting yourself…but don't do it in front of people, they'll think you are weird if you are texting yourself.


	34. TIP 32

**an:) two tips in one day!! hmmm maybe i'll decide to update tomorrow too...idk, i'll see XD**

**tip dedicated to: **EddiesGirlx **(or Lizzie, welcome to the club! :P)**

**disclaimer:  
Emmett: can i have my jeep back?  
me: -sob- no...you hurt my feelings.  
Emmett: aww i'm sorry but you really don't own Twilight or anything related to it.  
me:-sob- i'll forgive you if i can play with Alice's closet again.  
Emmett: and i'll get my jeep back?  
me: we'll see...  
Emmett: ok, let me get the key.  
me: -thinking- now, where did i left the jeep?**

**

* * *

**

KEY:  
Emmett  
_Edward_  
Jasper

* * *

Tip #32: New Kid (and when that new kid joined your stalker group)

Before saying the tip, I should explain how the tip came about. It all started when I caught Edward and Jasper looking through my awesome guide.

(All these events are factual and its exactly how it happened)

What are you two doing?

We are looking for your tip about stalkers.

O.o why?

_Because we are looking for a laugh…ugh! WE ARE BEING STALK!_

Ohh my tip won't help. It was written for Bella.

Maybe…maybe if we just stay home.

_THEY KNOW WHERE WE LIVE!!_

Who?

Look outside the window.

Ohh look is Angie and Patty! Who is the new girl though?

_You know them?_

Yep, it's a club. Half of the girls at school are in it.

And the other half?

Don't know about the club.

I went outside to talk to the girls.  
I recorded our conversation (the tape is on the back of the guide, but you can read it below)

Me: Patty, Angie what are you doing here? And hello! Have we met?

Patty: Emmett!! Ohh this is Lizzie, she is new at school and we ask her to join the club.

Me: Hi Lizzie!

Lizzie: Hi Emmett! I can't believe that is you!! That you are really here talking to me!

Angie: yep, Emmett is like the president of the club…which is weird, because the club is about stalking him and his brothers.

Me: I like the attention.

Patty: is all good Emmett!

Me: well, I have to go deal with my brothers. Esme left you guys snacks and blankets in the kitchen. It was nice meeting you Lizzie, this two know their way around the house so they'll give you a tour.

Girls: bye Emmett!

Me: bye!

I went back inside. Edward and Jasper were reading my tip.

Emmett is right, this is useless.

No its not! Just change it a little bit. Like get a werewolf boyfriend because I know they don't like wolves.

_Be serious Emmett. How about if we tell Bella? Or Alice? Maybe Rosalie?_

That won't work. Bella is part of the club, Alice gave them their outfits and Patty adores Rosalie and you know that Rosalie enjoys that kind of admiration.

How about Carlisle and Esme?

They are outside laughing with the girls, Angie is in the pre-med program and they go to the hospital and she is one of Carlisle's favorite students.

We are doomed.

That's the spirit Jasper!

_Is there anything we can do?_

Just use vampire speed to move around and hope for the best.

Now for the tip: If it's your first day at a new school and you don't know anyone, don't be scared, show everyone the badass side of you and join a club as soon as you can, so you can meet other weirdos who like the same stuff as you.

* * *

**you can see the outfits that Emmett mentions in my profile!  
thanks to Patty for finding such awesome spy outfites!! dun dun dun!!! **


	35. TIP 33

**an:) hellooooo!! new tip!! yay!! nothing to say, just two more days till my birthday!! yay!! last yr i had a Breaking Dawn cake, this yr i haven't decided...maybe the pinguins of Madagascar!! i love Skipper!! listening to:  
**_"Come on down here, its nice and dark  
I'll be the gas can, you be the spark  
You keep your ego, and I'll keep my peace of mind  
You just keep drinking, and while I think up all of the lies  
I have to tell her, explain ourselves after tonight  
You be the leader, I'll keep my place in line."_  
-Sometimes We Have Too Much Fun- by You, Me, and Everyone We Know.

**tip dedicated to:** Fire-Fox6677 **(congrats on graduating!!)**

**disclaimer:( i don't own Emmett or Edward or Jasper or Alice...this is just too depressing.**

* * *

Tip #33: Gross School Lunches

Ewwww! We made Jasper eat lasagna from school once, I thought vampires, I mean my brother, couldn't get sick but he looked bad! Carlisle didn't know what was wrong with him, it was hilarious!

I recommend that you only eat cafeteria food when you are gonna pass out from hunger and get something less gross, like the fries.  
If you have an open campus bring money and eat fast food. I know it's not healthy, but it's better than school food. You can also wake up early and make yourself something to eat…but if you are those kinds of people that are most likely to burn water, I suggest you wake up your mom to make you food. You don't want to burn the house, for some reason it makes parents super duper mad when you do that.


	36. TIP 34

**an:) a second tip yay!!! ohhh just 10 more days till The Morning Light and Every Avenue concert!! yay!! listening to:  
**_"Honey this is unkind,  
You're taking over my mind,  
This'll be my demise,  
And I'll take you out for a drive,  
You're taking over my mind,  
And it drives me crazy"  
_-That Girl's A Trick- by This Providence.

**tip dedicated to:** VampireWisard93 **(enjoy that tip!)**

**disclaimer: I don't own Emmett or his beautiful and amazing family..not even Bella (blah!) the last one doesnt bother me... XD**

* * *

KEY:  
Emmett  
_Edward_  
Jasper

* * *

Tip #34: Public Display of Affection or PDA

It's all good! The teachers that say it's wrong it's just because they are jealous that they are not getting any!

_Emmett!! That is not true! Not everyone enjoys those little scenes._

You are just jealous because I get some action, and if you tried anything with Bella, you could kill her.

_SHUT UP! Not that it is any of your business, but me and Bella are gonna try._

Oh, really? You guys should do it in the janitor's closet…but lock the door first; you don't want people going in.

_No Emmett…_

You want people going in? You are sick Edward.

_What?? No! I meant that I don't think…_

Ohh and get a banner, something like "Edward and Bella Forever" it will make it romantic and special.

_A banner?_

You can put it in the closet, so it will be exciting, romantic and special.

_No, thank you Emmett._

What are you two talking about?

How PDA is fun!

_No its not! Have a little decency Emmett._

You stop being a prude Edward.

I guess I'll settle this:  
Some public display of affection is not that bad. Something like holding hands and small kisses is not that filthy….but anything that Emmett and Rosalie do is too much, and you'll want to stay away from them…the farthest you can get.

_Another continent?_

Perfect.

Hey! You guys suck. I'm gonna go with Rosalie.

I think I'm gonna take Alice shopping…in Europe.

_I think Alice would like to take Bella. Jasper, remember that is your turn to leave Esme a note of our whereabouts_.


	37. TIP 35

**an: third tip!! and i ran out of things to say :( listening to:**

_"This is the end  
Of you and me  
And everything I used to be  
Back then it meant something  
But you're living a lie, you just can't hide from me"  
_-This Is The End- by: The Maine

**tip dedicated to: **A shadow of fate ** (i hated this class, that's why i took Health Science..even though i'm going to be a lawyer)  
disclaimer: for the third time, I DONT OWN TWILIGHT!! why are you torturing me???**

* * *

Tip #35: Health Class.

This is one of the grossest classes ever! Really? Why do I need this class for? I have Carlisle and he knows better than a silly human professor, and I can go to him for any questions, which I don't have. See? There is no point of this class.  
However, since most of you don't have a 300-year-old vampire "father" that can explain things to you, I suggest that you follow the following tips! If you can find a substitute of this class, I suggest you take it! It doesn't matter if is a medicine class and you want to be a spy! You can meet future doctors and nurses and make connections. Remember: It doesn't matter who you are, but who you know. If there is no other way then say that it's against your religion and you are against making your God angry, and most of all, you don't want to go to hell. If possible, start crying and begging, anything that makes them feel sorry for you. Hey, if it works, it works!


	38. TIP 36

**an:) ok, the reason for updating too much is cuz on tuesday my aunt is coming for a week and my mom already told me that i probably won't get a chance to write....don't worry even if i have to hide in my bathroom, EMMETT WILL NOT B SILENCED!! not even for a week!!! I REFUSE!!! I REFUSE, I TELL YOU!!! haha!! **

**if this tip seems a little bloody, i was watching Sweeny Tood when i wrote it...what can i do? i love that movie!! listening to:**

_"You're the monster underneath  
Lost of all faith  
Feeding off my dreams  
Where I thought I was safe"  
_-Where The Wild Things Are- by Anarbor

**tip dedicated to: **Fire-Fox667 **and **Lambofthenight **(do i have to say it? do not try this at home :P)**

**disclaimer: again?? why me?? i'll say it fast! idon'townTwilight! there ha!! **

* * *

Tip #36: Annoying People.

Annoying people should not be confused with bullies. Bullies beat you up for their own amusement, and/or others; annoying people just annoy the hell out of you because they want to make you mad. I am not a bully towards Eddie, I just annoy him. See the difference?

Now, you can tell them to shut the fuck up, or just walk away, but this won't guarantee that they will stop. Oh, and waiting outside their class with a bat to beat them up is not a solution either, not matter how fun and awesome it will be.

So, where does that leave us? OH right, scaring the crap out of them.

Step 1- Get someone to open their car door for you, and hide in the backseat.

Step 2-Make sure you have a mask, (a hockey mask or something…anything scary works,) and a weapon. If it is a knife, make sure it looks bloody.

Step 3-Wait till they are driving and keep quiet till they are really concentrating in something else. _Except_ if they are talking on the phone, you don't want anyone listening…NO WITNESSES!

Step 4- If you can, make someone make an announcement on the radio about a serial killer on the loose, or have a friend send a mass text. Try to be a little specific so you can alert them. Like, if the person is a blonde boy who is hitting on your brother's girlfriend, say that the killer usually preys on blonde teenage boys…don't be too specific though…oh and describe yourself a little, maybe mention your mask and your weapon.

Step 5- Jump out in the most random moment scaring them. Milk the joke as far as you can, just tell them that you are gonna kill them and eat their soul…be creative though.

Step 6- Hopefully, you have made him/her crash and now they are unconscious. Plant illegal stuff in their car, (like drugs or alcohol, and, if you can steal a bank put the amount of money you stole under the seat to blame Mike.)Don't be too obvious, but make it visible.

Step 7- Because you are not heartless, call the police and just report the accident…don't mention the illegal stuff. Make sure someone picks you up before Charlie arrives.

Step 8- Burn any evidence that could incriminate you.

Hopefully, you have traumatized them enough that they won't bother anyone anymore. If not, at least they will be in prison far away from Bella!


	39. TIP 37

**_an:) rite now the only thing keeping me happy is that i'm gonna see John Ohh Oct. 30!  
disclaimer: if i was the owner of Twilight, Ashley Green wouldn't be Alice and she is so i don't own it._**

_**TIP DEDICATED TO:**_ LivesInDreams **_and everyone who thinks math is a cruel and unusual punishment._**

* * *

Tip 37: Math Class

Have you noticed that all math teachers are like really big nerds who think they know everything? "Woo-hoo! I can solve an equation, now I can conquer the world!" This is why math is torture! The teacher thinks he/she is doing a great service to you, which they are not; quite the opposite, actually. Math class is a conspiracy to turn you into a math zombie, DON'T LET THEM! If you show that you are good in math they will want you to go to competitions and make you waste your Saturdays solving math problems, or worse, they'll make you tutor other kids!! (NOOOOOO!!! PLEASE ANYTHING BUT THAT!!! Not the stupid kids!) Or they'll glamour you into number sense, which is the biggest and geekiest math club ever, (might as well just go to school with the words "math loser" painted on your forehead in permanent marker.)  
The best way to avoid this is to do well on assignments but not on quizzes or tests, that way you'll have an average grade and the teacher will think that you just copy from other people, thinking that you suck at math and he/she won't try to ruin your Saturday! You'll be safe to spend your whole Saturday doing whatever you want to do!


	40. TIP 38

**_an:) another update...listening to The Maine to try to calm myself down.  
disclaimer: i don't own Twilight, i don't own Twilight, i don't own Twilight, i don't own Twilight....._**

* * *

Tip 38: JROTC

If you want to yell at people and make them do push ups when they annoy you, then I recommend you join JROTC! Not only do you get to do this but you'll also: get free food, get inside football games for free, and more importantly, if you are counted truant, you can use your JROTC community service hours! Yay!  
There are things that are mandatory, like the inspection, but you get to skip classes to prepare for it and skip the whole day of the inspection. But you can avoid the exercise, and I suggest you do! Humans smell terrible when they sweat, please have some compassion for my nose and avoid sweating. So, like always fake a doctor's excuse, hide in the restroom and say that you are having "stomach issues" and if you are a girl claim it's your time of the month, they'll excuse you and I won't have to suffer smelling you! It's a win-win situation.


	41. TIP 39

**_an:) ok, sooooo for people that asked "JROTC stands for junior reserve officer training corp and its a military class. Teaches you drill, basic map reading and physical training"(i had to ask my friend Patty to explain that one for me). in other news, JUST 20 MORE DAYS TILL I SEE THE MAINE!!! wooo-hooo!!!_**

**_disclaimer: I'm gonna see John Oh, I'm gonna see John Oh, I'm gonna see John Oh!! i don't own Twilight but happy dance cuz I'm gonna see John Ohh!!! love him!!!!_**

* * *

Tip 39: Science Fair Project.

Thinking of a good science project is a real headache! And of course you want to win, that's the whole point of this, right? To win and to rub your smartitude in everyone's faces. And, why not? You get a shiny trophy, and we all know that shiny things are the best. But there is no sweeter victory than the one you don't have to work for.  
All you have to do is "borrow" another project. Just pick someone ugly who won't look good in the winner's picture, that way you'll feel better knowing that you helped somebody avoid embarrassment. The uggo may not look at it this way so it's better to keep him/her out of the fair while the event is on. So, you have two options to get rid of him/her:

Lock the owner in the closet. He'll be close to that fair and can hear when his invention wins. He can feel good about himself knowing that he had the best idea, just the wrong face for it.

Lock him/her inside the trunk of a car away from the event. If the owner gets found make sure that is not your car that has the little passenger, so someone else can get the blame and you are free to accept your prize.

Also, before you accept the prize and enter the contest, make sure that you copyright your "invention" so there will be no doubt whose project it is.

* * *

**_btw, if you have a twitter send me your penname and i'll follow you or if you want to follow me is LolaBoleyn or if you have a gaia account mine is JustAnotherEvilGirl. let's be friends?_**


	42. TIP 40

**an:) hello!!!!!! long time without updating, i know...nothing to say except that this sunday I'M GONNA SEE ARTIST VS POET!! yay me!!! i'm gonna go see Jason (actually he wants to be called Skittles)  
BILLION THANKS to the awesomest beta reader: pixidancer22!!! i just realized that we both like All Time Low (i shot gun Alex and Jack!!)  
THANKS FOR EVERYONE that reads and reviews the story!!! sorry i'm such a lousy updater...**

**disclaimer: me: EMMETT!!! guess what? guess what? guess what? guess what? guess what? guess what?  
Emmett: you don't own me or Twilight?  
me: yes, but that's not it!!!! keep guessing!!!  
Emmett: you are finally gonna leave me alone?  
me: nope, why would i do that? keep guessing!!!  
Emmett: i give up...  
me: i'm gonna see Artist vs Poet on sunday!!! yay me!!!! i'm gonna see Jason! i'm gonna see Jason! i'm gonna see Jason!! i'm gonna see Jason!! -happy dance-  
Emmett: poor him....**

**

* * *

**

Tip 40: School Clubs

School clubs can be both beneficial and the most traumatic experience you can ever have. Some teachers give you extra credit if you join their academic club but let me warm you, this is a trap! They'll expect you go to every meeting, every competition and because they know you and hold your grades captive, they'll make you help raise money for the organization by selling pizza and your hand will end up smelling like that nasty stuff for a week! Not to mention that humans go crazy when they smell pizza and they'll attack you! It's scary!!! But let me tell you, chocolate is scarier. Not only will they go all "crazy mob" on you, but when they eat it. The chocolate turns humans into high-on-sugar-I'm-jumping-around-scaring-the-hell-out-of-Emmett-freak. In other words, just ask your parents to buy you out, even though nobody in your family eats chocolate…hmmm now what to do with the unwanted chocolate? Donate it to the needy of course (and by the needy I mean the pre-k kids, right before their naps) it's super funny to see the teacher's face when they kids start acting like Alice when she goes shopping! Hahahahaha priceless! Ohhh I mean, it wasn't me Carlisle!! I swear I didn't dress up as Santa and give the little kids candy…it was Jasper!! Yes yes it was Jasper!!! In fact, you'll find the Santa suit in his closet next to the bag of leftover candy, deep buried between his confederate soldier uniform and a bear costume he used to scare the old people at the senior center (also, priceless!!). So when thinking about joining a club, just don't; simply say no! Start your own club! Like mine: Super Special Super Awesome Emmett's (and his brother's) Stalker Club! Getting in is easy, you just have to love me and think that I'm super awesome…and maybe me give me a little teddy bear, ohh and have fun ideas of how to annoy and get Edward into trouble.  
The best thing is that I don't make you sell smelly pizza or chocolate! You just have to sell pictures of me, signed by me, and they sell by themselves! (Mostly because Rosalie ends up buying them all). So be creative when making your new club and above all make it about me…I mean make it fun!


	43. TIP 41

**_an:) updating before going to sleep..actually no more like updating before going to read Doomed Queens and then sleep. A millions thanks to my beta pixiedancerr22! fine, i'll share Alex but not Jack!! he's my all time favorite!! _**

**_enjoy the tip!! ;)_**

**_disclaimer: me: you know Emmett is thinking about letting you go...  
Emmett: you don't own Twilight or me or anything rela...wait! are you serious?!?!?!  
me: huh? what? no! that was my other personality talking...you are staying with me forever! buahahahahahahaha ;D  
Emmett: ;( oooooook....how about if i give you Jasper?  
me :O.o thinking about it, forever is not as long as it used to be..._**

* * *

Tip 41- Fundraisers  
If you didn't pay attention to my last tip and now you are stuck in an academic club that requires you to sell something, then I have a solution for you! Even though I shouldn't help you because you just decided to ignore my last advice and that's just rude!! I try to make your high school life less miserable and you don't even pay attention!! I keep giving and giving and slaving myself over a notebook just to help you, and you are just like "No, I'll ignore this..." but lucky for you, I'm a giver...and a receiver. So if you wanna send me something, I don't know maybe a grizzly bear, to say thank you for all my time then it's most welcome!! Ok, sorry. Rant over.

Back to the tip: You can ask your parents to buy you out, but they won't always be willing to do that…especially if they are mad at you because you happen to give away Edward's piano. (I had permission from him!! that's my story and I'm sticking to it!) Again, if this doesn't work out for you, then your other option is actually selling the candy (or whatever you are selling). Target the shopaholics and the ones with a kind heart. The shopaholics won't be able to resist buying something (hint, hint Alice!), and the ones with kind hearts won't resist helping out a poor soul. Just tell them a sad story and make them cry or maybe pay a little boy to go tell them a sad story and they'll buy you _anything_. Ohhh, and you can always give away free stuff with their purchase like: Edward's cds, Alice's makeup, Jasper's Civil War books, Carlisle's medical stuff, Bella's truck....you get the idea. Whatever you decide to do good luck on your sales my entrepreneur friend!


	44. TIP 42

**_an:) hello!! wow! just 8 more tips and we make it to 50!! aren't you excited?!?!?!?! i totally am!! never thought people were going to like the story so much!! thank you! more than 200 reviews and only one flame!! yay!! ;D _**

**_million thanks to my beta pixidancer22!! awesomest beta ever!! and to xXLittlexMelanieXx for her lovely review ;) and to everyone that loves the story and tells me about how the tip relates to them!! i love reading them!! i'm glad i'm not the only one!! hahahaha_**

**_disclaimer:) me: if you love Emmett clap your hands!  
me and Patty: -clap clap clap-  
Patty: if you think Emmett is awesome clap your hands!  
me and Patty:-clap clap clap-  
Emmett: if you don't own me or my family clap your hands!  
me and Patty: -clap clap clap-  
me and Patty: hey!!!!  
Emmett: hahahahahahaha :D i win!_**

* * *

Key:  
Emmett  
_**Carlisle**_

Tip 42: Music Class

_**Emmett!**_

Yes, Carlisle?

_**Why am I writing here instead of talking to you like a normal person?**_

I want to our conversation to be preserved for educational purposes.

_**I won't even ask…son, did you sell Edward's piano?**_

That's a wild accusation!

_**So you didn't?**_

No… I just said that it was a wild accusation…

_**Stop watching the Penguins of Madagascar**_

But I love King Julian!!

_**Why did you sell Edward's piano?**_

Ohh I didn't sell it…

_**I can't tell you how relieve I am. I knew not even you could have done something like that.**_

Nope, I didn't sold the piano…I gave it away!!

_**What!?!? EMMETT!!**_

You are probably wondering what all this is about. Well, my music class conflicted with my "Rosalie & me" time, and the teacher wouldn't let me out, and I couldn't fail the class or miss the date with Rosalie so… I had to come up with a plan; I knew she had a crush on Edward (why does everybody like him? He is the weirdest of all of us! I mean, is obvious that grizzly bears are a thousand times tastier than mountain lions! Everybody knows that!) And she likes everything Edward related, in fact she always "loses" his homework and assignments but we all know she keeps them in one of her drawers at home (don't ask me how we know that). So being the smart person that I am, I traded Edward's piano for my good grade and the permission to skip class! (Good plan, right? sometimes I'm amaze of my own intelligence) Oh, and I got Edward's permission!! I really did! I asked him if he could help me with my music class and he said yes! Even if he didn't know that by "help" I meant "can I give your piano to our obsessed teacher so she can leave me alone?" He should have known I meant that. But _technically_ I did get permission. If you want to get out of your music class just bribe your teacher (blackmail works too), or you can record an instrument and play the record during class while you pretend to be playing the real instrument.

P.S. - I found out why everyone falls for Edward! Jasper is creepy and scary looking. I'm adorable and super hot, but Rosalie can be really scary if you even look at me…so the only one available is Edward! Ha! I knew I could solve this mystery! And I didn't have to call the Scooby Doo gang! Or Nancy Drew! I'm so smart! Bow down to my smartitude mortals!!

* * *

**_btw, there is a poll in my profile about the last tip for Emmett's Guide to Survive High School ;) please vote!_**


	45. TIP 43

**_an:) hello! another chappie!! yay!!! nothing to say except enjoy! :) ohhh well, there is one thing to add, if you don't mind, i entered a contest and if you can pretty please vote for my story "I Wanna Love You"? the story is inspired by a song of The Maine and i really really love the band and i want to win :P (no need to hide it, i want to win) so please and thank you!!! hehehehe ;)_**

**_tip dedicated to: _**xXLittleMelanieXx and PinkVampireSkittle ;) thanks for the help!

**_disclaimer: me: Edward? where is Emmett?  
Edward: he's hunting, so he asked me to come  
me: ohhhh  
Edward: yeah, so let's get this over with. you don't own my family or Twilight.  
me: ok...wanna play cards?  
Edward: no, i have stuff to do and i know you and Patty cheat.  
me: we do not!  
Edward: -leaves-  
Patty: rudeness!!  
me: i know!!_**

**_

* * *

_**

Tip 43- Stupid Questions

There is nothing more annoying than when asked stupid questions. One would think that my own brothers would be above annoying me so shamefully. What have I ever done to Edward? (Rhetorical question, don't answer!) I'm going to show four answers that can save you from having to deal with stupid questions.

(This event is completely factual and is exactly how it happened! Would I lie to you?)

Edward: Emmett! How could you give my piano away? This is the worst thing you have ever done! Not even turning the garage into an ice-rink is as bad as this!

Me: (answer #1) Would you kindly shut up?

Edward: Excuse me? Emmett, are you even listening? That was _my _piano! You are acting like a three year old.

Me: (answer #2) What was your first clue?

Edward: My first clue? Emmett! Why don't you just do the work like the rest of us? It's not like this is our first time in high school, we've done this dozens of times.

Me: (answer #3) Like I'm a suppressed, over achieving loser like you.

Edward: How old are you Emmett? Ten? GROW UP!

Me: (answer #4) Just keep telling yourself that.

See? Edward left and I have no clue what he was talking to me about. I just answered when he got quiet. But there are several cases where you can be more creative. I took the liberty to observe my new sister Bella and this is what she tells people when asked something stupid.

(I have removed the name of the dumb dumbs so they don't feel bad about being so foolish. So, sorry you won't be able to make fun of them because their identities are going to be a hundred percent anonymous)

**Scenario #1**

Bella just fell down. Dummy #1 approaches her.

Dummy #1: Bella, did you just fall?

Bella: No Eric, I wanted to get an extreme close up with the floor!

**Scenario #2**

Bella just bought a bag of chips. She sits next to dummy #2

Dummy #2: Are you going to eat that?

Bella: No Tyler, I just bought it because I want to stare at it. Isn't it pretty?

**Scenario #3**

Bella locked herself out of her truck and she is banging at the window. Dummy #3 sees her.

Dummy #3: Did you leave the keys inside?

Bella: No Mike, I just wanted to try the _alohomora _spell I saw in Harry Potter!

In conclusion, stupid questions deserve sarcastic answers.

Ohhh before I forget, I learned another thing from following Bella: When she's having a bad day is better not to bother her…just take my word for it.


	46. TIP 44

**_an:) another update!! hehehehe ;) please vote for my story "I Wanna Love You" in the Inspiration is Key Contest!! pretty please with sugar on top?? thank you! ;)_**

**_tip dedicated to: _**Luner Hale (good luck with the class!! i know how awful it can be! i've been there before!)

**_disclaimer: Emmett: you guys don't own my family or Twilight  
me: we are not talking to you.  
Emmett: why not?  
Patty: you sent Edward and he was mean, so we are not talking to you!  
Emmett: but you are talking to me...  
me: well, we are not talking to you...right now!  
Emmett: and if i let you play in Alice's closet?  
Patty and me: you are forgiven!! yay!!_**

* * *

Tip 44- Geography

Geography is simply another form of torture that history teachers like to inflict on us. Really! Who cares about the capital of Guatemala? Do they have grizzly bears there? No? Well, then I don't want to go.

But trust me, its worse when the actual class is more about the teacher's vacation memories rather than what the book tries to teach us. I have always wondered why they tell us this. These are the moments where I wish I could sleep (I suffer from insomnia….permanent insomnia. Hahahahahahaha, what? Is not like I'm hitting anything weird! Don't look at me that way). They think that by talking about these places, you'll be interested to go and learn about their culture. Helloooooooooo! There are people you can pay to book your dream vacation! They are actually stealing these people's jobs, and that's mean!

Now, to find an easy way to learn the capitals, continents and countries just find a globe keychain, buy a magnifying glass and cheat your way out of geography!


	47. TIP 45

**_an:) hello!! new tip! yay! just watching Monsters Inc. with my little brother! i love the movie, Boo is soooo cute!! hehehe _**

**_one favor: can you please vote for my story "I Wanna Love You" in the Inspirati_****_on is Key Contest? please and thank you!! fanfiction(dot)net/u/2125868/Inspiration_is_Key_Contest_**

**_tip dedicated to: _**AliceCullen112 (hope this helps!!)

**_and special thanks to:_** my awesome beta reader pixidancer22! and PinkVampireSkittle!

**_disclaimer: Emmett: you don't own me or my family or anything Twilight related.  
me: -sigh- I know....no need to keep repeating it...  
Emmett: just checking that you know.  
me: well, that you know that I know.  
Emmett: good.  
me: good...wanna play cards?  
Emmett: ok. ;)_**

* * *

Tip 45- Fake Babies.

! Bella has a kid! Hahahahahahahahahaha! And it's not even REAL! Hahahahahahaha! I'm sorry, but I can't stop laughing! Hahahahahahaha! I'm so glad I don't need to breathe, I would have ran out of oxygen a long time ago…(I don't have an explanation for that…uhhh I'm from Mars? Yeah, that works; I would believe that if someone told me). Ok, I'm done laughing.

I told Bella not to take Health class but did she listen to me? No! She didn't, now she's stuck with one of fake babies that cry and bother everyone. Worse is, you can't take out the batteries because the teacher would know and you would fail, so you have to find a way to get a good grade without doing the dirty work. Now, you can trick someone and by naming them the godfather/godmother of your "child" they have to help you taking care of it! Or you can leave the baby with the "father" and leave Edward with the baby while you have a human moment. You can also pay someone to babysit, but take references; you don't want just anyone to babysit your kid.

If you just don't want to take the baby home let your drama queen out and make a scene saying how you know you can't have kids and the assignment is just a reminder of the lonely future that awaits you, because nobody will want you and you are going end up in a big house, alone and probably with twenty cats…just cry a lot and yell, throw something too.

Ohhh guess what?!? Bella just named me the godfather of little Emmett! Wait, something's wrong here…I got it! How dare her!?!? This is an outrage! Little Emmett is supposed to have a red cap like mine; Bella can be so dumb sometimes.


	48. TIP 46

_**an:) hello!! hehe much time since i last updated, but like i told my awesome beta, pixidancer22 my english teacher is a sicko who should b thrown into a pit of angry llamas for the offense of giving me too much homework :P not much has happened, i found a new favorite show which ended in just one season (why ohh why Demons had to end?!?!) and i got over my addiction with John Ohh (hehehe just kidding...don't believe that one) ohhh sooo enjoy!**_

**_disclaimer: me: EMMETTTTTTTTT i missed you!  
Emmett: ohhh it's you not owner of Twilight, where have you been?  
me: doing homework :(  
Emmett: ohhh are you done with it?  
me: nope, i'm just ignoring it for a while :)  
Emmett: ahhh so you had been paying attention to my tips :P  
me: yep yep  
Emmett: i knew there was a reason why i liked you...._**

* * *

Tip 46: Avoiding Annoying Things/People

Avoiding things/people is and special art not everyone can do. It's an awesome talent and apparently I'm the only one in my family that has it. (Come on Edward, how hard can it be to avoid a dummy human?) And if you don't possess this awesome gift, don't fret, for I am here to help. Throw away your conscience, and let _me _be your guide.

+**Don't ignore it:** Ignoring things don't work. There is always that little voice in the back of your head that tells you something is bothering you. First, get rid of this little voice, you don't need it. It will just ruin your fun anyways. Second, two negatives can equal a positive; if someone is bothering you, simply bother back.

For example, when I was innocently singing "She wore aaannn….itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka-dot bikini. That she wore for the first time today!" Edward annoyingly blasts his Debussy so I did what any other respected citizen would do; I grabbed a bat and smashed his stereo into tiny pieces.

IN YOUR FACE EDWARD!! Hahahaha I win!

+**Hide from it:** If your teacher can't find you, he can't give you your homework, and if your teacher doesn't give you your homework, you can't do it; therefore you are free from homework! Hide under your desk or in the girl's bathroom (boy's if you are a girl). They'll never think to look for you there. A closet also works; Edward will never find me here! Buahahahaha I still win!

+**Denial:** Just keep telling yourself that they don't exist. Denial is not like ignoring because you can't ignore something that doesn't exist; see how that works?

YOU CAN'T HURT ME BECAUSE YOU DON'T EXIST EDWARD! Hahahaha I'm still winning.

Emmett: three

Annoying brother, who wants to avenge his stereo: Nada!

+**Stand your ground:** Don't give in to that little voice in your head; the one that tells you to be good, nice, and responsible. HAVE SOME BACKBONE! If you already decided to skip your homework, keep your word and don't do it! Giving in, would make you a liar. Do you want to be known as a liar? No? Then, don't do your homework.

YOU TOLD MOM EDWARD? Wtf? That's low even for you! But you know what? I'm going to stand firm and accept the consequences to me destroying your property….

IT WASN'T ME MOMMY!!! EWDARD IS A BIG FAT LIAR!! HE STARTED IT!

That felt good…

Emmett: four

Annoying little tattle tale who just got me grounded: nada!

* * *

**_AN#2;) my friend PinkVampireSkittle had a contest to promote her new story and i just want to say: _**

**_CONGRATS TO EMILYTHEUNIQUE!! as the awesome winner she is going to appear in the next Emmett's Guide to Survive High School tip!! yay for her!! you should read her stories too :)_**


	49. TIP 47

_**an:) sooooooo guess who i saw on Wed? do you know? do you know? do you know? no clue? how sad ;( well, i saw Artist vs Poet and Every Avenue! yay me!!! hahahaha :D **_

**_disclaimer: me: Hello Edward! -poke poke-  
Patty: Hi Edward Cullen! -poke poke-  
Edward: you don't own Twilight or anything related to it...why are you poking me!?!?  
Patty: no reason -poke poke-  
me: cuz is fun -poke poke-  
Edward: what did Emmett offered you?  
Patty: you are no fun...-poke poke-  
me: but now Emmett owes you a hug Patsy Pat!  
Patty: Yay!!_**

* * *

Tip 47: Initiations

The awesome thing about being a senior is that you are able to initiate the new, unsuspecting freshmen. This is a ritual…a passage from loser to awesome. (In some cases, this may be considered torture, but it depends on how you see it, or where you are standing.)

Now, I could tell you how to get out of it, but who am I to deny you from this tradition? Ohhh yeah, I'm the king of everything cool… so, I guess that makes you cool by association. Lucky you!

If you don't want to do it, simply pay your way into the club or be friends with the leader. You can also spread a rumor about something awesome that you did (be creative but realistic), and they'll be begging you to join their club! Make sure to get a few scratches or bruises, your scars will make you instantly popular (remember that "chicks dig scars"), and it will be an insult to even suggest you go through such formalities as if you were a normie! Don't stand for this insult, simply leave this insulting society and take your awesomeness where is appreciated. That'll show them.

You can also create your own exclusive club where you'll be in charge of the initiations ceremonies and because you are a founder you don't have to participate!

Now, if you excuse me, today is the initiation ceremony of my Super Awesome Super Secret Club and because I know every loophole there is no way they can't get out of it. I'm so awesome!

Because I don't want to deprived you of my Club's Initiation Ceremony, the tape is on the back (and you can read it down here)

Me: Now, to the new people welcome to my Super Awesome Super Secretive Club! For your initiation you have fifteen seconds to amuse me…GO!

Patty: first up Emilytheunique.

Angie: your fifteen seconds start now!

Emilytheunique: uhhh I love Emmett?

Me: YOU ARE IN!!!

Emilytheunique: yay!

Angie: congrats!

Patty: wait a second…why does your shirt say "I heart Edward"?

Emilytheunique: typo?

Angie: it doesn't matter anymore. You are already in.

Emilytheunique: well then….I LOVE EDWARD!

Me: what? Ewww how can you like Edward? How may many times do you hit your head in a daily basis?

Patty: don't be rude Emmett.

Me: but but it's my club! Everyone is supposed to love me! Right, Angie?

Angie: well, I love Jasper…and the club is about stalking you and your brothers so technically you can pick which one to stalk.

Me: you love Jasper? DOESN'T ANYONE LOVE ME?!?!

Patty: I love you Emmett.

Me: finally someone who understands my awesomeness!

Patty: yep…you are my favorite!

Me: thank you Patty. I needed that after listening to these bad bad people with bad taste.

Angie: Emmett…

Emilytheunique: hey!

Patty: stop the drama Emmett. Now, for our first order of business…

And cut! Sorry, you are not allowed to see the rest. Only people belonging to the club can know about the meeting; if not, then it wouldn't be secretive anymore and that's what makes it cool! Well, that and me. I can make anything cool! I'm awesome like that!

* * *

_**an2:) so PinkVampireSkittle's contest winner got to appeared in this tip! yay her!! you should check her stories ;D **_


	50. TIP 48

_**an:) still super duper happy from Wed!! i'm on cloud ten! hehehehe :) thanks to my awesome beta reader pixidancer22!**_

**_disclaimer: Emmett: where is my little not owner of Twilight?  
Patty: me or Angie?  
Emmett: uhhhh i don't know...which gone crashed Edward's volvo?  
me: Patty.  
Patty: Angie.  
Emmett: whoever did it gets a hug!  
me: i did!! i did!  
Patty: nuh uh!! i'm the reckless driver!!  
me: but i'm the one who made you look at the guy we thought it was Pat that made you crash.  
Patty: but i fell for it  
Emmett: i'll be back in a bit..._**

* * *

Tip #48

A Tip from Bella:

Hi! For today's tip I'm going to tell you how to get back at people for giving a 10-year-old your truck just for buying chocolate! (Really Emmett? I had to pretend to be his girlfriend to get it back; and the little brat didn't know how to keep his hands to himself!)

All you have to do is steal _their_ most precious possession.

GUESS WHO TOOK YOUR GUIDE EMMETT?!?!

Ohhh, and when you have successfully "borrowed" said precious possession, BURN IT! Because that would hurt them a lot and it would be completely hilarious for _you_.

Nah! I'm not that mean; I'm just going to pretend to burn it. Maybe throw an old English notebook in the fire to make it more realistic. So, any how, if you don't want to burn it, just hide it in someone else's bag (especially if that other person annoys you). Hey, if you can kill two birds with one stone, why not take advantage of the opportunity?

Ohhh Mike? What are you doing with Emmett's Guide?

But before telling the owner to check the other person's bag, don't forget to have a little bonfire and pretend to burn the object, just to mess with the owner's head.

Ohhh and if you are asking how my little plan went, here is what happened:

I had to make sure that Emmett was present when Mike opened his bag and got the guide out. I couldn't contain my laughter when Emmett tackled Mike to the ground.

BONUS: Emmett's tackle on poor, "innocent" Mike was so bad that had to be hospitalized. You know what two weeks without Mike is? Well, it means FREEDOOOOOOOM!!


	51. TIP 49

_**an:) hello!!! just watching Shadow Hal with my sister. the movie is sooooooo hilarious!! hahahahahaha :D  
billion thanks to my awesome beta reader: pixiedancer22 :)**_

_**disclaimmer: me: OMJ! OMJ! OMJ! ALICE!!  
Patty: calm down Angie.  
Alice: hi! Emmett told me to tell you that you don't own Twilight or anything related to it.  
****me: HELLO!! OMJ! OMJ!! OMJ!! HI ALICE!!!!  
Patty: hi Alice.  
Alice: is she ok?  
Patty: yeah....she just ate chocolate.  
Alice: ohhh  
me: PINK CUPCAKES WILL RULE THE WORLD!! buahahahahaha**_

_**

* * *

**_

Tip 49: Sugar High/Caffeine Rush

(Emmett)

_(Jasper)_

Phssssss Jasper phsssssssss!

_What Emmett? Don't you see I'm busy?_

Ohhh I already played that one. Just press B and it should hook you to the tree and just balance yourself on the little corner…but there is a tiger there so be careful.

_Thanks for ruining it…_

You're Welcome!

_Sarcasm Emmett, look it up._

Ok. But first I need your help.

_Really?_

I know shocking! But how do you control Alice when she's all hyper?

_Is this another of your tips? I don't want anything to do with your stupid advice._

It's not stupid! And I swear it's not…

_I don't know I just calm her…_

That doesn't help. How about sugar high?

_I'm not helping Emmett. I still remember your tip of homework and worse: your Civil War theory. _

Yeah, the poor North didn't get cupcakes.

_FOR THE LAST TIME: THERE WERE NO CUPCAKES!_

Of course there wasn't! The South was stingy and didn't want to share!

_You seriously believe that the civil war was because of cupcakes?_

Wait till you hear my Vietnam War theory.

_No, thank you. Why are you asking about sugar high?_

No reason.

_If you are going to dress up as Santa and give little kids candy to make them hyper at least have the decency to not blame me._

Deal. Now tell me.

_I don't know…usually they crash in about an hour or two; depends on how much candy they ate._

So all there is to do is to wait?

_I don't know Emmett. Why don't you go bother Edward?_

He's hunting.

_So, go experiment on Bella._

Great idea!

_No wait! I didn't mean…well at least I now can play in peace. _

So, my experimentation on Bella idea didn't work. (Note to self: don't plan anything involving Bella when Edward goes hunting with Alice. She ruins my fun).

Jasper wasn't much help with the tip so I'm going to have to rely on my observations. So, based on what I have seen, a sugar high is kind of fun, and it's like the sugar turns humans into fun robots! At first, it was scary, but once you get used to the weirdness it's very amusing. If you are bored and in some serious need for entertainment, give coffee to someone that you know has a low tolerance for caffeine or give your friends a lot of sugar! You'll be entertained for an at least an hour or two.

Ohhh, and if you have a very boring class ahead of you, then eat as much sugar as you can! It will make the time go faster or you'll do something that gets you send to the principal's office…either way you'll be free.


	52. TIP 50

**an:) hello! It's been a while since I last updated but I'll try to do it more often. Ohhh you may have noticed a few chances on the account: I decided to share this account with my best friend but don't worry all my stories will still be here :D **

**sooooo I have officially survived my first year of college! Here is what I learned this past semester:  
1. ****Jason Dean is the awesomest person ever!  
2. ****If you bother your friend tru msm saying how awesome Jason is you'll get virtually slap.  
3. ****If you bother your friend saying how awesome Jason is you will get literally slap.  
4. ****Your teacher doesn't care about how awesome you think Jason is.  
5. ****When your teacher tells you to use your time wisely, he doesn't mean use that time to write a poem about Jason, and he doesn't think it's funny when you ask him how your poem sounds.  
6. ****And finally, "Jason Dean is better than Edward Cullen" is not a good argumentative topic (according to your teacher.) **

**Disclaimer: The best thing about listening to "Adorable" by Artist vs Poet while writing is that I don't care that I have to say that I don't own Twilight. **

* * *

Tip 50: Dun Dun Dun Moments.

High school is full of manyDUN DUN DUN moments. These moments can be recognized when a mental voice goes "DUN DUN DUN" after an announcement has been made.

Let me demonstrate:

Teacher: Turn in your homework.

_(You were having too much fun playing video games that forgot you had homework.)_

Mental voice: DUN DUN DUN!

Teacher: POP QUIZ!

_(You were too busy texting your friend that you didn't pay attention to the lecture.)_

Mental voice: DUN DUN DUN!

Random person in the hallway: Emmett Cullen is on his way and he is humming the mission impossible theme! EVERYBODY RUN!

_(When your friend closed the locker's door in a hurry it got your sweater; you are trapped and can't move!)_

Mental voice: DUN DUN DUN!

(In such case I would just advise you to start singing "Alejandro" by Lady Gaga that would grab my attention and prevent a horrible accident….and it wouldn't hurt if you add a little dance.)

Every time that something tragic is about to happen, there is an automatic response from your brain that tells you, you are doomed by simply saying three little words: DUN DUN DUN!

BUT, because I'm super awesome, I have found a way to cheat these horrific moments and I'm going to share it with you.

When the tragic moment arrives and the voice inside your head has announced that you are doomed, just throw yourself on the floor as dramatically as possible, assume the fetal position and start screaming that the voices won't leave you alone. This will cause a commotion and the teacher will completely forget about the quiz/homework/test/etc. meaning that you are free from the tragedy.

OR

When the teacher hands you the test, simply give it back saying that you don't think it's fair that the voices inside your head tell you the right answers and because you strongly against cheating, you can't take the test.

Awww look who's being all honest! –Tear-

Do they give medals for that? No? They totally should!

I want a trophy…if you excuse me, I'm going to go buy one.


	53. TIP 51

****

an:) hello readers! Sorry for the lack of updates (yes, I know…I'm always apologizing but uhhhh sorry can't think of anything clever to say. what? I just woke up!) sooooo I guess: enjoy the chappie!

**Much thanks to my bestie Patico for helping me with this tip :D**

**disclaimer: I'm busy listening to the new album of The Maine (it's awesome! I think you should check it out!) sooooo I don't care that I don't own Twilight! hahaha in your face Emmett! :P**

* * *

Tip 51: Career Day.

Career day was invented by adults so they could miss work for a day and suck kids into their torture; the more people they make miserable the better they feel, why do you think they created "punishments" and the phrase "misery loves company" was invented?

To students, this day is an opportunity to get out of class and take a look at where they don't want to end up. Literally. You see the lawyer that looks like he has a stick up his ass and you say, "Whoa don't want to do that."

I think we should take advantage of career day and really analyze the different jobs there are out there.

If you excuse me, I have to have a word with my counselor.

(WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DON'T HAVE SUPER SECRET AGENT/SPY AS A CAREER? YES! IT IS A CAREER YOU DUMB WOMAN! YOU'RE FIRED! NO! I MEAN YOU ARE NOT MY COUNSELOR ANYMORE! HAHAHAHA I WIN!)

Well, that was a lot of words…still; the important thing is that I need a new counselor.

Now, where was I? Ohhh yeah! Career day.

To really take advantages of this wonderful opportunity follow these tips:

Volunteer to work in a booth: you'll be free from your classes and you get to keep the cool stuff.

(to a photographer I was helping out) what do you mean I don't get to keep the camera? You are a photographer! I'm sure you have more! What? Do you think I was going to stand here, talking about your job for free? FAT CHANCE!

Ask questions: if you are considering a career, ask every small question you can think of.

Me: so Carlisle, I'm interested in the medicine arts.

Carlisle: that's not what it's call it but ok, are you really interested?

Me: yes, but first I have a very important question that will help my decision so answer carefully, your answer will affect my entire future.

Carlisle: is that so? Well, what do you want to ask me?

Me: How long is my lunch hour?

Carlisle: go away Emmett.

Me: what? Why?

Carlisle: just go away.

Me: but Carlisle! That question is of vital importance to me and my readers!

Carlisle: go away or else

I would love to report more but when Carlisle said "go away or else", he actually meant "go to class Emmett or feel my wrath", and I don't think my x-box can survive without me….and I don't want to leave my poor x-box in the hands of Jasper.


	54. TIP 52

**AN:) should be studying, instead I'm busy watching Freaks and Geeks and writing Emmett's Guide hehehehe :D**

**Disclaimer: wow James Franco looks sooo hot! Freaks and Geeks is the best show ever! :P what I'm I supposed to say? Ohh yeah I don't own Twilight or anything related to it. whatever. –sigh- ohh Daniel, math is not that difficult! :P**

Tip 52-Counselors

Counselors are evil evil people that just want for you to suffer, and they don't want you to follow your dreams of becoming a super awesome secret agent/spy! They will push you into stuff you don't want to do! DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!

They get pay by the arch enemy of Captain Awesome, Dr. Lame, to suck the dreams out of you!

Edward…err I mean Dr. Lame, makes his minions a.k.a. the evil counselors to make you suffer and make you think about "real careers", don't let them lure you with the whole "you are smarter than that" or "you are capable of more".

Remember is all a trap planned by Dr. Lame to turn everybody into a boring, dull, frigid like him! Next time, your counselor tells you that "you are meant for more" the best thing to do is:

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN! Run for your life! It's a trap! Stay away, cover your ears and run!


	55. TIP 53

**A.N.:) yep, I know I haven't updated for a while but I have an awesome excuse: I'm wasting my entire summer watching all the shows that I missed because of school! Yay! :D but I will try to update as soon as I can :d**

**Muchos thank yous to my awesome beta: pixidancer22! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, all characters belong to S. Meyer and whoever wrote the "jungle, the mighty jungle" song. No time to google! (sorry I don't have time for a witty disclaimer, I'm too busy watching How I Met Your Mother :D)**

* * *

Tip 53: Talent Shows.

Contrary to popular belief, or what teachers want you to believe, not everyone has an awesome talent, only awesome people like me have awesome talents. Now I can't teach you how to be awesome, and well, if I, the most awesome person ever can't teach you the secrets to being awesome then, sorry my friend but you are out of luck.

BUT WAIT! Don't put that talent show application down yet. I may not be able to teach you the secrets of awesomeness but that doesn't mean that your case is hopeless. Yes! That's right! There is still some hope for you! You may now take some time to thank me and praise my genius ways.

There are two ways to win a talent show:

1. Actually have an awesome talent that puts the other contestants to shame

or

2. Be awesome enough to fake an awesome talent.

Now, I'm not going to waste any time in option one because this is a very dull choice, so let's skip to the fun one and explain option two:

Faking a talent is as easy as, if not more fun, than actually having a talent. For one thing, it's is all about how awesome you look. For example, if you cannot sing then put distract the audience with the most awesome show display you can think of! The glittery costumes and wild scenery will make people forget that your voice is as torturous as endless homework. In addition, your song should also contribute to the cause. So, take the time to write witty and funny lyrics. Let me demonstrate:

(This is the song I composed for my own talent show)

"In the forest, the mighty forest Edward sparkles bright.  
In the forest, the mighty forest Edward's virtue is compromised.  
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand he cries in the dark!  
Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii he likes to stalk Bella at night."

I know best song ever! Well, apparently Edward didn't think it was funny, but we all know that he has no sense of humor.

I could tell you that the point of the talent show is to have fun but it's not! The point of the talent show is to rub your awesomeness in other people's face, and to win! So go out there and rub your awesomeness in other people's faces!


	56. TIP 54

**AN:) Can you believe that when I started this story I was in high school and now I'm getting ready to graduate college? wow! :p**

**Sorry for not updating. I'm taking a break from school (meaning I'm taking a semester off before going to graduate school) after graduation so expect more chapters after May! I know it sounds super far away so I may update now and then if school permits, but I don't want to make any promises. **

**Thank you soooooo much for the reviews and for reading the tips. I noticed the suggestions and I will work on them :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Emmett, I just use his voice to say stupid things without making a fool of myself. :p**

* * *

Tip 54: In Your Face.

Am I the only one that misses saying "in your face"? I know that some people still say it but sadly, it is not with the joy and passion it was once said.

Today I, Emmett Cullen, proclaim that we start saying "in your face" again! Be part of this movement and yell at everyone that it is in his/her face!

High school is the perfect venue for this phrase because every day we are constantly have to deal with the "excuse me, but I have just proven your point wrong" moment.

Don't worry if you can't find a way of proving someone wrong, the beauty of this phrase is that there is always the perfect opportunity to create a moment to say it.

Let me act out my point. Luckily, my brother Jasper was available to play the part of my assistant and I found a pantry full of snacks Esme bought for Bella.

Me: oh dear brother Jasper! Can you come here for a second?

Jasper: what do you want?

Me: nothing.

Jasper: uh huh. Emmett, what are you doing with that pie?

Me: what pie?

Jasper: the pie that you are holding.

Me: you mean this pie?

Jasper: yes, that pie.

Me: the pie on my hand?

Jasper: yes.

Me: the pie that I'm holding at this moment?

Jasper: YES!

I use this moment to throw the pie at Jasper's face.

Me: you mean the pie that is IN YOUR FACE!

One last important thing: this phrase should NEVER EVER be used against your parents. If they are ever proven wrong, cherish that rare occurrence but don't tell them "in your face." It can cost you greatly.


End file.
